They aren't SHARING!

In busy preschool and kindergarten classrooms "They aren't sharing!" is something I have heard many times.

When I hear it I can reasonably assume the child has previous experience with an adult who followed a 'sharing is caring' mantra and made children divide their toys, food, time or space with other children.

It is not that I don't believe 'sharing is caring' it is rather that I believe Sharing is Giving. The problem with adult enforced sharing is that it is not an act of giving by the child, it is an act of taking by an adult.

Adult enforced sharing removes opportunities for children to strengthen their skills in productive and respectful peer to peer communication, self-advocacy, and self-regulation. I believe it hinders development of empathy because it is difficult to value another person's perspective if you have been shamed into giving away your toys or if you are feeling wronged or unworthy when half the toys are taken away from you and given to someone else. I also believe it risks creating a sense of entitlement in children who are taught they can ignore another child's circumstances, that they do not need to engage in a problem solving process, nor have to wait their turn, but rather simply have an authority figure step in to grab what they've asked for.

"That's not FAIR!" is also a common cry. Inevitably someone automatically replies, "Life's not fair, get used to it." Or there is the, "You get what you get, so don't get upset!" little rhyme people may say as they try to navigate a hectic day.

So which is it? Sharing is Caring? Life's Not Fair? Don't get upset? As a professional educator I am trying to improve my responses to this situations and to avoid catch phrases that ultimately serve to silence children's voices, discourage inquiry and shorten a student's problem solving pathways.

One thing I have noticed in myself is that I am better able to support a child's learning when I can use my PROfessional approach: Pause. Reflect. Offer. I have also noticed that it is more challenging to feel confident in taking the PRO approach if I am feeling rushed or pressured into quickly resolving a situation. The Pause portion is just as important for me as it is for the child. I want to consider each situation as a valued opportunity to help me avoid the quick fix phrases and allow myself time to facilitate the child's connection to their own growing abilities to problem solve successfully.

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*PRO = Pause Reflect Offer for a Professional response.

• Pause before you respond.

• Reflect on not just your own educator goals or the child's immediate need, but also consider what small step will lead towards creating the space for learning through experience.

• Offer the student two simple options that are each positive and productive ways to move forward towards the goal.

  • Avoid Comply or Defy options. Avoid saying things like "Put that toy down now or go to the office!" Those threats can activate fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses that do not support authentic self-regulation skills. In fact you may unintentionally reinforce the student's limbic system into believing that this type of situation can only be resolved through extreme measures.

  • Try something simple such as gently asking "Do you want to hold that in your left hand or your right hand while we solve this problem together?" Creating a calm moment can sooth the child's limbic stress response and give their brain and body a calmer foundation for the next step.

Thank you for reading this blog!

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